There are Two Kuchiki Taichous
by lalunaticscribe
Summary: Chapter 2 ...only to have the Captain grab his wrist and tug his arm so that Renji was now on the table, and seal Renji’s shout on his lips.
1. A Very Weird Bet

LaLunaticScribe presents:

Two Byakuyas around

"No way."

Those words were Kazumi Chiaki's initial reaction to the condition.

Chiaki and Byakuya were playing karuta. Initially it was hanafuda, but since the two were about evenly matched in probabilistic planning, it switched to mah-jong, but then Byakuya kept winning, so they started karuta. Now, Chiaki had lost a bet on the game, where the winner can command the loser to do something ridiculous. Byakuya, being slightly homicidal over the 'welcome' he had received, had suggested the one thing Chiaki hated the most, yet seemed to perform the best: He had to dress up as Byakuya and fool everyone there for 24 hours.

"Sempai, you don't have a choice, after all you suggested it." Kuchiki Byakuya said, his cold black eyes directed at his former teacher and Captain. He knew that the one thing Chiaki hated most was taking off his glasses; without it no one could tell the two apart. Byakuya not-so-fondly began flashbacking:

"_Who's that?"_

"_I don't know, but he's so HOT."_

_The first day of the second year in the academy. Kuchiki Byakuya, then about a hundred and thirty years old, was already in the Academy's accelerated program. He was now in the Kidou class supposedly taught by the grandson of the legendary 'Asura Kenpachi' and an urban legend by himself, Kazumi Chiaki. The teacher was famous for never teaching privately, being the most sought after teacher amongst the girls (plus 90% of the guys) and for his Kidou skills which apparently gave him the nickname of the 'Kidou Maestro'._

_Imagine his surprise when the first thing he saw was he himself._

_Yes, another Byakuya, of a very good carbon copy, was sitting in the classroom seat, busy shifting through a sheaf of paper. Though slightly more mannish, the face still bore an aristocratic nose, high cheekbones and the black hair framing his face were testament to good noble looks everywhere, literally a work of art. Embarrassingly to the real Byakuya, the carbon copy had a 'big brother' air around him, not to mention a haunting magic that mesmerized most people already._

_He wasn't the only one who noticed; many other students were pointing and whispering already. Seated beside the carbon copy, Byakuya wasn't sure where he was; to the right of the left?_

_Then the figure, to Byakuya's astonishment, got up and walked to the teacher's podium. Placing the papers on it, the figure got out a pair of glasses. Retying his hair so that it was dangling down more than up (like a samurai's) and with glasses, the appearance changed drastically, though the magic remained._

"_Good afternoon, I am the teacher of this class, Kazumi Chiaki." the figure said._

_And later on, Byakuya would believe anything this figure said pertaining to the impossible being possible; after all, this guy's done it all_

"Couldn't I do something else? Anything else? I'll even volunteer to sewer duty; just please, not the acting." Chiaki pleaded to no avail.

_Sadly, there's no way I'll let you._ Byakuya knew that Chiaki would actually find a way to get back at him; by doing this pretence, Chiaki would be forced to observe decorum and most importantly, act like him. There was no way he would resist acting; Chiaki had proven it at Byakuya's hundredth and thirty-fifth birthday by acting the part of Kuchiki Ginrei. Later on, servants would swear that there was a doppelganger around the house. Plus, he really needed the break.

"No chance. Do it, or concede defeat, Sempai." _There, I've got him now._

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day, Chiaki sat in Byakuya's place, dressed in Byakuya's clothes (minus the scarf; plain cotton was not only cooler, but also less likely to break later, as you'll see), doing Byakuya's paperwork.

By dint of long practice, Chiaki had learnt long ago to imitate Byakuya's handwriting. This helped to pass off prank letters, but the novelty wore off once he learnt that the Kuchiki house employed experts to go over every letter.

Still, if there was one weapon he could use, it was charm. Chiaki decided that as Byakuya, he would start with the severe sexual attraction he possessed. That would surely double the usual amount of fan girls always hanging round Byakuya. _Turnabout's a bitch, kid._

Abarai Renji walked into the office, late as usual, with another excuse. Unlike Byakuya, the ex-Captain had already learnt long ago to detect lies.

"You're lying."

As expected, Renji turned beetroot red and began mumbling something about hangovers. Acting very much, the lookalike waved a hand to the lieutenant's desk and continued writing. The first victim, he decided, will be the lieutenant.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This, Renji decided, was not a day he wanted to spend in the office.

Checking to make sure his Captain wasn't watching, Renji locked the desk drawer and hid the key under the mat; a new trick that he was sure the Captain would never expect.

"Taichou, the drawer's locked."

"Unlock it." The Captain's voice said. Another trick learnt a few decades ago: sound like your students. It helps when acting a ghost story, or just scaring their wits out.

"Erm… the key's not there."

"Then find it."

"Taichou, er… I forgot where I placed it, so… may I return home to get it?" Renji asked hopefully, hardly daring that Taichou would fall for it.

To Renji's eternal surprise, his Captain took a paper clip from his drawer. Bending it into a loop, the Taichou then crossed over and jabbed the loop into the lock. Ten seconds later, the drawer lay open before the pair.

"Here, take it." 'Byakuya' said, handing a dumbfounded Renji the lock pick. "And next time, try a better excuse."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Approximately fifty years teaching Kidou was not always wasted on practice, teaching, music, and settling disputes. When Chiaki had free time, it was sex, no matter how depraved, except for homosexual (even he was not that depraved), or petty crime. Lockpicking was only the tip of the iceberg; pickpocketing wasn't much, and the defeat of security systems was easy. If he wanted, the Kuchiki family jewels would be in his safe right now, but then jewellery never attracted his attention much.

Trying not to smile and ruin the act, Chiaki fondly remembered the first time he had displayed his skill at not the musical instruments, but the safecracking one. It was a three digit combination, he remembered…

_Yamamoto was staring dumbly at the opened safe. "Can you do anything else?" he had asked. Chiaki had only grinned, replying "I can deal poker. And make shadow animals."…_

Still better was the love letters Byakuya had locked up in his 'unpickable' lock. That one took only five seconds, and the lock was ancient.

Deliberately charming, 'Byakuya' glided to his seat and continued to work. A while later, the lieutenant sat down and started too, occasionally shooting furtive glances. Now and again, Chiaki blew a lock out of his eyes; thank god for coloured contacts, but he hated kenseikans with all his heart.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Renji wondered what was with himself today.

Today, the Captain knew he was lying, and yet he was sure that all the other times he had lied, the Captain didn't know. Also, the Captain had seen through his pathetic excuse and then proceeded to smash all remaining ones. Now, there was a sort of magic that made Renji seem irresistibly drawn to a guy, of all. He would rather take on fifty Hollows unarmed than ever do _that_ to his Captain. Now, what was a suitable excuse for wanting to pin your superior against the wall in wanton action and…

He shook his head; maybe the sake should be laid off for a while.

Oh, the Captain's hair… as he kept shooting furtive glances, he watched that black lock of hair continuously being blown away from those absolutely artistic, seductive lips…

When he next looked up, his Captain was standing right in front of him.

The Captain dropped another pile onto his desk. "Renji, I'm going to the 11th Squad for a while. Yamamoto SouTaichou has a few motions to pass."

Renji began to get up, reaching for Zabimaru. "I'm coming with." Maybe the sight of bloodstained Byakuya should stop any … funny thoughts for a while.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_This was almost too easy._

Chiaki was faced with three problems: one was to fight without reiatsu, as then the jig really will be up. The second was to look attractive; now that would be hard to explain when Byakuya asks why the 11th Squad members were following him around like sheep. The third was the main problem; to actually pass the motions without giving his fighting style away. Kenpachi would see through in a glance that the 'sissy' was not the 'sissy'; talented as Byakuya was, Chiaki was sure Byakuya did not have training in various weapons, martial arts, and generally roughing it out the 11th Squad way; most were taught by O Jii Sama, the Shodai Kenpachi declared insane.

But, as luck would have it, or maybe the Zashiki Warashi was extremely happy today, Kenpachi wasn't paying attention to any fighting style, there was too much reiatsu for his to be given away, and Kenpachi was in a good mood. Chiaki managed to clear all the motions without a single scratch on him without releasing his Zanpakutou, a fact which later on would lead to questions, but he didn't care.

The 11th Squad was a perfect audience. Even the judges, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Renji, immediately felt the attractive force Chiaki kept exuding out. All the 11th Squad members fell for the spell of Chiaki without glasses, so potent was it. On his face, Chiaki continued playing Byakuya the Ice Prince. Inwardly, he grinned. Byakuya has a lot of explaining to do.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Six hours later, Chiaki decided that he may have gotten too far.

In six hours, Chiaki had charmed all the females on his way back, fished out all of Matsumoto's sake bottles, deal with Yachiru, and prevented a faked heart attack from Renji coming out, by turning his charm so high and then proceeding to administer CPR on him. Renji immediately found the common sense to get up and run into the office before he began attempting to French kiss his Captain.

Now, as 'Byakuya' made his rounds, he could hear Renji regaling the other lieutenants about this new development. Chiaki inwardly grinned. His brother-in-law was in a whole new world.

Then, later, when they made it back to the office, he saw 'his' lieutenant standing, arms crossed. Raising an eyebrow (No need to act; this was his customary response), he stood there, one foot tapping a staccato rhythm on the floor.

"Taichou, what's with you today?"

"What, Renji? I believe I am always like this." Chiaki said, mustering up all the dignity he was taught in society. With was roughly the same as Byakuya. Except that it made him awe-inspiring and coveted in almost every way possible.

"Not always, Taichou. You are particularly…" Here Renji could not say the words pertaining to that particular subject.

"What, hmm? Speaking of which, Renji, since you have so much free time, start on that." He said, quickly waving to the paperwork. The Instinct, the feeling that always told him the danger impeding, was screaming _gay alert, run _in big, caps-lock, and font-size seventy-two letters. _Maybe this time I really went too far._

"It's not that. Taichou…" Renji was inching closer. Now, Chiaki was really considering bolting. Then, the imminent threat of possible things Byakuya would come up with loomed closer. And if there was one thing Chiaki would rather not do, it was act as Byakuya for another 24 hours. Now then, only if he could use the Ice stare Byakuya had down pat, but then his brown eyes would show. Another few minutes…

"Abarai, you have thirty seconds. Talk, sit, or do…" Chiaki whispered sotto vace as he leaned closer. Immediately he regretted using sotto vace. Whenever he started it, they normally ended up trying to jump him. He was already married too, for goodness' sake.

His last thought was this is a really bad idea before Renji came at him.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Renji was simply following Hisagi's advice: _No guy will ever live through a kiss with another guy._ Having seen this in the 78th district so many times, Renji would have agreed.

Now, not so much. The person he was kissing was supposed to be Kuchiki Byakuya. This was not Kuchiki Byakuya, high noble head of house, and Captain of the Sixth Squad, but Kazumi Chiaki, Byakuya's ex-Captain, ex-teacher, also high noble head of house, and an expert in all the illegal activities in the world.

So, to Renji's eternal surprise, his Captain began to kiss him back. Before Renji could escape, he was caught in an embrace (ironically his own) and being kissed back. And he liked it, the feel of Taichou's tongue in his mouth. Warm, wet, and pressure equals wood, and immediately, his joints went weak. Collapsing onto the floor, the dumb monkey's face (forgive me, but there really is no better description) staring even more dumbly at his 'Captain'.

The Captain's face held only a smirk, and later, Renji felt fear in his heart as the 'Captain' bent and whispered "Renji, I'm going to show you a magic trick…" and stepped aside, revealing a stupefied Kuchiki Taichou standing in the doorway.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Renji stared at the two Kuchiki Taichous. One was the one he had kissed earlier. The other one was not wearing a haori, but windflower silk was easy to distinguish. He immediately realised one thing: This man was an impostor.

"Who are you?" he demanded, immediately stepping back, pulling his sword out at the same instant. "Why are you dressed as Kuchiki Taichou?"

"Byak-ko, I win." The 'Kuchiki Taichou' said, disrobing the haori. Pulling the kenseikans out of his hair, he drew a pair of glasses and placed them on his face. Immediately, the face of Kuchiki Byakuya was gone, replaced by what Renji remembered as the Head of the Shinigami Academy's Kidou department.

"Well, I got to go. See you at the next game, Byakuya." Still smiling serenely, Kazumi Chiaki walked out of the office whistling.

Renji stared after him, looking as stupid as he felt. If Byakuya could feel pity, it was for Renji.

"He's attractive isn't he?"

Renji turned to face his Captain, now with eyebrows directed at the door.

"Don't blame yourself, Renji. Sempai was always like that." Byakuya continued, now slightly amused. "Too attractive for his own good. Next time I better make sure he doesn't risk my reputation."

Renji smiled weakly.

"I'll make him risk yours."

The smile disappeared.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is a spinoff from My New Wife's Not Human. Kazumi Chiaki is Chiyuki's older brother.


	2. It's really me, Renji

Byakuya stepped into the office, to the gaze of his lieutenant, who was nervously studying him over the thick pile of paperwork.

This X-ray scrutiny continued for a long time, until Byakuya, irritated, finally said: "It's me, Renji."

Almost abruptly, the studying ceased. Renji had finally confirmed that no, his Taichou had not made a stupid bet again and forced another poor sap to dress up as him

This happened for the next day,

and after that,

and the day after that,

and on

and on…

The Captain stepped into the office, under Renji's scrutiny again, for the third week in a row, and dumped a whole pile while saying "It's me, Renji."

Renji relaxed; it wasn't a crazy lunatic who had Gin's penchant for tricks and Byakuya's charm all wrapped up. He reached out for the paper work across him on the desk…

…only to have the Captain grab his wrist and tug his arm so that Renji was now on the table, and seal Renji's shout on his lips.

"It's me, indeed." Kazumi Chiaki murmured, moving his tongue into the Sixth lieutenant's mouth.

* * *

That was a dumb precaution, Renji tried to think through the sudden arousal brought on by the sudden kiss, but failed.

Ten seconds later, they broke apart. Renji backpedalled as fast as he could, asked: "Where's Kuchiki Taichou?"

"Captain Kuchiki can be considered…indisposed for the moment." The Byakuya lookalike thoughtfully answered. "He is tied up somewhere, thankfully clothed in his own clothes. Relax; this is a replica; I am not so dumb as to steal an actual haori."

"Anyway, why are you here??!!" Renji nearly screamed. He had good reason to; after all, the last time the two met had resulted in a very weird way. As in, both started making out in the office. Then the real Kuchiki Taichou came in.

"I'm here to play."

That sounded very wrong to Renji. "Play? Play with someone else, not with me!!!" he shouted back.

Chiaki sighed. "If you insist, I will leave now." Saying so, he covered Renji's eyes, shrouding them in darkness.

When Renji woke up disoriented and feeling like he had been tricked by a Fox, Kuchiki Taichou was sitting at his desk, stoically writing up another form.

* * *

"Renji, get over it." Byakuya gritted through his teeth in frustration. "No, I am not going to submit a DNA sample." He added as Renji got out the electrophoresis kit.


End file.
